Oh what fun ...

.. it is to have started a new job! And not just any old job but, this is the start of my CAREER in the field of psychology (!) and I could not be happier or more terrified that I will thoroughly screw something up!  Training has been fun and I have even had the opprotunity to meet a lot of great people so far.  There is a crap TON of information that I am having to learn - in a somewhat short period of time - as well as tests after certain information is presented!  But I cannot express just how exciting this opprotunity is for me.  I have incredible pain in my right hip that is extremely bothersome and it makes sitting in an office chair super uncomfortable - however, it is so worth it just to have this job!  I will be seeing pain management in about a week to see what they can do about my pain levels.  I also have a CT scan coming up to check for any fractures and what ever else could possibly be wrong.  I am extremely nervous that the pain I am experiencing is not just in my muscles and tendons but in the actual bone as well.  My hip bone has a spot on it that, it if gets touched in any way, makes me wince and nearly double over every time!  But it also hurts in my groin area when I sneeze - so I know that the muslces and what not have been affected, so the issue is muskoskeletal in nature to some extent.  I just have to keep my imagination from running wild and thinking the word cancer over and over again. 

This will probably sound super weird, but I always knew I would end up with cancer at some stage in my life.  Call it a premonition, call it instinict or call it knowing my family history of disease ... but I've just always had a feeling that one day I would get that diagnosis.  Well cancer to me was always a death (or near death) sentence.  It was something that I knew family members had died of or that I saw people go through in movies.  When I got my diagnosis and was told "It's totally curable" I - truely, seriously - thought my radiation oncologist was LYING to me!  I was gobsmacked when I heard that.  How could CANCER be CURABLE!?  I know I'm rambeling right now - I've had a pain pill tonight since I don't have to work this weekend.  What I'm trying to get at is just that ... even if a cancer diagnosis is still in my future, it doesn't mean that it is going to be determined now.  It doesn't mean that, after getting the job I have been desperatly searching for, for 3 or 4 years - it doesn't mean that cancer is going to come back and ruin everything all over again.  I also have a mental illness and got a diganosis when I was about 12 years old (I'm 38 now).  I don't really know how to be happy.  Happiness doesn't come naturally for me.  And I have certain examples of things going well for me in the past, but then suddenly, out of nowhere, everything will just fall apart and my life will be hellish.  I will then start to spiral downward and my mental health will get so, so very bad that I will have to spend the next several YEARS trying to dig myself out of that horribly deep, dark hole.  I don't ever want to have to do that again.  I know that I have the power to prevent that from happening to a certain extent - I know that I have the coping skills and strategies, I have an educational background in the field of psychology and I have a medcal team around me that will be there for me IF that does happen.  But I just want to have some peace for a while.  I want to be able to enjoy the job I am at and to really get the most out of the experience I will be getting from working with the type of people I am seeing.  I will be apart of this community outreach team that works with people who have moderate to severe illnesses - to the point that they may not be able to live on their own, manage their medications and may have certain socioeconomic barriers.  These people will most likely have substance abuse issues and may even have criminal records of some kind.  

Okay ... I am REALLY babeling ... if you got this far (!) thank you for listening!  I haven't had any real friends in a VERY long time ... so getting to just sit and chat with someone (other than my Mum) is few and far between.  Thank you so much for being here and I want the absolute best for you with whatever you may be going through right now as well!  

Thomas, Olga sent you a hug.
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I give you tons of credit for having the intelligence and foresight to chose a career in the field of psychology when you yourself actually suffer from a mental illness. Who would know better how to treat someone's psyche than a person who had walked a mile in their shoes? I think having family history of cancer would certainly make a person wonder if they too will ever become a survivor. My late BFF was bi-polar, dx'ed as a sophomore in college; also my cousin Gene, bi-polar. Back then we called it Pall-Mall, then manic depression. Thank god they have better Rx's now because both were dx'ed at an age where they just put everyone on Librium for decades. Meltdowns were very infrequent but they got kidney disease from it. You sound like you have it together pretty well now and I'm awfully happy for you in getting this job. I can say to you "don't worry", but I understand that it doesn't work that way. So I'll pray for strength for you to not worry. Blessings on your profession and blessings upon you😘.
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Thank you so much!
Marcia likes this comment
Thank you for sharing your story as that's how we all get stronger, yes?
Just wanted to give you a heads up that if your cervical cancer included HPV, you need to go for regular check ups with Rectal Surgeon to rule out Anal Cancer
Wish I had been told this, had to find out info After dx. With Anal CA 5 years after Cervical cancer.
Love your attitude with all you have been thru. Your history should be such a help in your professsion.
3 people like this comment
Thank you very much for the suggestion. I will talk to both of my oncologists about that at my text check ups.
Marcia likes this comment
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Vital Info

Posts

November 1, 2019

Copperas Cove, Texas 76522

January 9, 1982

Cancer Info

Cervical Cancer

October 20, 2018

Stage 1

over 6.1

2200

2500

I honestly was annoyed that it was only stage 1b. It felt like it “didn’t really” have cancer even though I went through treatment and now have permanent side effects from radiation. I’m also going through very early menopause because of radiation.

Even stage 1 can be serious.

Tell me your stories.

Vasicek Cancer Center, Scott and White in Temple, TX

Stretch as much as you can threw treatment if doing radiation, to keep your body limber throughout treatment. It will be easier to recover if you do that.

TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON! I have a degree in mental health and talking about what I was going through was a huge help. I even talked about survivors guilt (a friend passed from stage four while I was in treatment), and I talked about my side effects.

February 5, 2019

No

Unusual vaginal bleeding, could feel something wasn’t right and hormonal changes.

Money needed for medical bills that occurred prior to treatment because I was not going to be trying to find work during that time.

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